Two Spiders were walking down the road....

• by Kitharode moderator

  ... and they called in at the chip shop. One of the spiders asked for fish and chips twice. Guy behind the counter shouts, "ok mate, I heard you the first time!".

  (Thank you. Next please..!)

  Posted January 29, 2013 12:16 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Why did the spider cross the dangerously busy road?

  Because spiders are a lot boulder than you thought they were!

  Posted January 29, 2013 12:42 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Police officer: "Where did that spider go ?"

  Bystander: "He vent that way I think!"

  Posted January 29, 2013 12:53 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  The boulder had to cross the road to get to the rock concert, but it was too busy so he stayed at home and got stoned instead. (He was a pebble-dasher by trade - gritty sort of bloke).

  Posted January 29, 2013 1:25 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  It has just been announced that Prof GR Ustlayer Snr (inventor of the word 'yardang') has been awarded the Nobel prize for insanity. (Some people did think that it should have gone to someone else).

  Posted January 29, 2013 1:37 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Having arrived on Mars (in his brand new car) Spiderman is told to "parker over there" (Guess you need to be a big 'fan' to get that one!).

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:00 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  One for the Scientists now: How many spiders does it take to change eight lightbulbs?

  No, one is not enough. You see, you need one hand to hold the shade and another to ... oh, never mind...

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:05 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  In downtown Spiderland today a huge hole has appeared. Planet Four scientists are looking into it.

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:09 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  For sale: 250 Acres of Prime Spiderland (price on application).

  Note: The above mentioned acres are martian acres. These vary in size occasionally because there are currently only two approved acre-measurers employed and one has slightly longer legs than the other. Using the 'spider genesis inflationary theory' coeffient of grust, the conversion is currently;

  1 Martian acre = 1 Earth acre (A handy mars-earth acreage conversion app can be found here.

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:19 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Today, unexpectedly, several hundred spiders were rushed to hospital suffering from gas overdose. "We were surprised, shocked, and amazed" said a spokesperson from the Gas Overdose Specialist Hospital (GOSH).

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:39 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Local supergroup 'The Yardangs' (line-dancing trio) now have their own 'fan club'.

  Posted January 29, 2013 2:55 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Renowned physicist and mathematician Prof Tuantu Meksfourathink announced today that he can now predict, with total accuracy, the winner of any and all spider races.

  (Note: This only works for a spherical spider in a perfect vacuum).

  Posted January 29, 2013 3:07 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  A member of the Martian Green Party, Sir Willya Pickitup, has bitterly opposed the proposal to build a new CO2 production facility in his constituency. He was accused of being a NIMBY (not in my back yardang).

  Posted January 29, 2013 3:28 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Spiderland's recently formed 'Downtown Association of Fishing Technicians' (DAFT) is to be disbanded. "There just doesn't seem to be too much interest in fishing on Mars" said one daft member.

  Next weeks meeting of the 'Clairvoyant Association' has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

  Posted January 29, 2013 4:34 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  UV Radiation - Up Volume on headphones.

  Sublimation - Underground stopping place for trains.

  Solid-State Greenhouse Effect - Glass shed, full of concrete.

  Posted January 29, 2013 4:58 PM

• by Ian_Mason

  Quick NURSE SCIENTISTS, it looks like Kitharode has overdone marking & lost the plot (morerer)!

  I demand that someone run him a relaxing bath immediately, & drape a bath towel over the side to reassure him that the surface it is not too slippery to emerge from.

  Posted January 29, 2013 7:17 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Taking that as an encore....

  Yardangle: a device for measuring corners outside your back door - up to 3 ft (approx.). (Keep refrigerated)

  Posted January 29, 2013 8:31 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Football News: A capacity crowd at the annual Spiders v Boulders match enjoyed a thrilling spectacle at the Yardang Stadium today. The Boulders held their ground in the tackle area, giving not an inch, but were still beaten 18,475 to nil at fulltime. (Them boulders just don't get it, do they?)

  Posted January 29, 2013 8:41 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  On the stock market investment in boulders has hit rock bottom. Yardangs are 'in line for increased profits' according to some reports. Spider stocks have wobbled slightly since the introduction of a leg tax. The traditional 'closing bell' has been replaced by the 'closing spitoon'. Trading stops on the krrrrk(spit)yarDANG signal.

  Posted January 29, 2013 9:55 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Did You Know ... ?

  Muffin the Mule is still legal on Mars, but only during winter...

  The designer of Andy Pandy's suit also designed yardangs...

  Sadly, web designer Mr Ima Spider died today. To be fair, it has to be said that his performance at the comedy club was pretty awful.

  Posted January 29, 2013 10:41 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Which is most believable ... ?

  1. WIMP: Weakly Interacting Massive Particle
  2. WIMP: Wasps Invade Martian Plateau
  3. MACHO: Massive Astrophysical Compact Halo Object
  4. MACHO: Municipal Arachnid Community Housing Organisation

  If you think all this is crazy, blame it on the astronomers - They started it!!

  Posted January 30, 2013 12:40 AM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Why did the spider cross the road? Because he was sooo drunk, he thought he was a chicken.

  Why did the road cross the spider? 'Cause he was hiding and the road builders didn't see him.

  How did the spider cross the chicken? Stole her eggs when she wasn't looking.

  What do get if you cross a road with a spider and a chicken? People pointing and laughing at you probably!

  Posted January 30, 2013 2:16 AM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Planet Four Science Update:

  Spiderlands Internal Monitoring Committee for Arachnid Recognition and Declassification (SIMCARD) have announced today that the recently discovered fossilised remains (possibly dating as far back as a week last thursday) do not qualify as an arachnid species. Having been discovered in the depths of a tyre on one of Adge Cutler's tractors, they believe it is the first example of the near mythical Terra-yardangle. The wurzel-yardang hybrid terrayardangle theory has now been shelved.

  Posted January 30, 2013 1:22 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  What do you get if you cross a chicken, a road, a spider and a wurzel-yardang hybrid terrayardangle?

  An outbreak of Kitharoditis and a bad rash. (Kitharoditis can be self-induced by reading the last two chapters of "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking. A great work I admit, but laugh, oh my goodness ... tehehehehahaha).

  Posted January 30, 2013 1:56 PM

• by Ian_Mason

  NEWS FLASH!

  It has been reported today that Kith-Kitharode may have verbally made homophobic type comments. In an interview earlier today, Kith said his comments had been taken totally out of context, & simply said "similar to arachnophobia, I would scream if I found one in my bath".

  Posted January 30, 2013 4:23 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Environment News:

  The recently discovered I-mason virus has now been proved to be harmless. In fact, Planet Four scientists are confident that it can actually benefit humans, in a funny sort of way. An unconfirmed report suggests that the I-mason virus is effective in the polishing of grust-threebling poles.

  The Lesser-Striped Yardang has now been taken off the endangered species list. This makes the list far easier to read. Great news for all yardang supporters.

  Finally, on the subject of yardang supports, a new elasticated (floral-patterned) range should be available before christmas.

  Posted January 30, 2013 4:44 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  A member of the Boulder family has been taken into police custard-dy charged with "standing around a lot and looking hard". Although found guilty, he could not be sentanced because the judge had run out of full stops

  Later, the guilty party admitted "My defence was rocky and, in truth, I didn't really have a leg to stand on".

  Posted January 30, 2013 5:00 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Why did the boulder NOT cross the road? (If stuck, please read previous post)

  Posted January 30, 2013 5:06 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Spider Classification Scheme - bicycles (SCSb)

  Bicycle - bike with two wheels

  Icicle - bike with no wheels

  Tricycle - three bikes with no wheels

  Tandem - related to yardangles.

  Posted January 30, 2013 5:42 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  SCIENCE: The theory that spiders vent 'in anger' has been disproved. They actually vent in a Volkswagon.

  Posted January 30, 2013 6:36 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Biology and Unemployment

  A clever young scientist named Anya
  Was asked by Kitharode "Can ya?"
  "Can ya dissect a spider, with crooked divider
  or will they sack you and afterwards ban ya?"
  

  (Anya, I already 'no' the answer! 😃)

  Posted January 30, 2013 7:36 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Spider walks into a bar, orders a beer. Barman serves him and says (with an eye to a rip-off) "That'll be £18.50 please". Spider calmly gives him a twenty and waits for his change. Barman says "Don't get too many spiders in here", to which spider replies "At these prices, I'm not surprised". (Some oldies are still goodies)

  Posted January 30, 2013 7:47 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Fans of the Blobs demanding more coverage. Blobs of the fans can be used as compost.

  Posted January 31, 2013 12:58 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Innuit scientist and superstar Iggy Starblob has suggested that the Higgs boson may actually be made up of two separate particles. They are held together, he claims, by the elusive 'Igglue' particle. Members of the 'Unsplit Higgs Union' (UHU) dismiss the idea.

  (More details on the CERN website over the next five years or so, probably) 😃

  Posted January 31, 2013 1:43 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  SPIDER STREET SAGA - COMMENTS RECEIVED:

  Buckingham Palace: We are not amused.

  Simon Cowell: Awful! There’s nothing about me in there.

  John Cleese: I don’t like all this ‘yardangling’. Sounds like something Manuel would eat.

  Del Trotter: I’ll give you twenty quid for the lot.

  Homer (author of the 'Illyyardang') c.700bc. Odd I say, very odd.

  Posted January 31, 2013 6:59 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  On the issue of glitches when using this site.

  A statement from the "I.T. Spiders and Boulders Union of Glitchfixers (ITSABUG) reads “We are working hard to fix all the problems but we’ve got to shift this boulder first”.

  Posted January 31, 2013 7:01 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Cyantist: Scientist working for Doppler

  Kith: Solid-state drunk effect. See also Giza (kith)

  Ice-layer: Rambo’s confession to murder of female spider

  Triple-point pressure: Specialised Kung-Fu technique

  Anglophile: Collector of yardangles

  Anglophobic: Yardangle without a bend

  Katabatic: Alien feline in roofspace

  Katabatic Wind: Take 2 tsp extract of yardang (you’ll need a mop and bucket).

  Posted January 31, 2013 7:04 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  I sincerely hope the ‘Spider Street Saga’ brightened your day.

  I wish you all much happiness and success. Kitharode.

  END OF TRANSMISSION

  Posted January 31, 2013 7:07 PM

• by Wounded_Knee

  Lol, some of them were funny 😃..was gonna try an rework a spider walks into a Bar an the Bartender says " Why the long legs".....but could only think of why do spiders walk funny?........Woundn`t you if you had 8 legs....

  Posted January 31, 2013 8:55 PM

• by Kitharode moderator in response to Wounded Knee's comment.

  Ha ha ha ... Good effort, man. I see where you're trying to get to with the 8 legs 😃

  The problem is that it's often easy to 'see' a joke in your head, the situation, the players, etc., but getting that into words is the hard bit. When Ian Mason joined in and I invented the I-mason virus, I thought there'd be loads of stuff pouring out but sadly not so (not yet)!!

  There's got to be something in an 'I-Mason Arachnid Xylophone' (IMAX) but what exactly ...? Cheers.

  Posted February 1, 2013 1:52 PM

• by lonelystar

  Hi Kitharode, we have some more for you!

  Lonelystar

  Posted February 3, 2013 1:39 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Ohhh goody. Let's have them. I'll polish up me threebling pole and top up me grust.... 😉

  Posted February 3, 2013 2:27 PM

• by Ian_Mason in response to lonelystar's comment.

  They call Kith Spiderman ya know!

  Not cos he has any special abilities! Quite the opposite actually, as he struggles to get out the bath 😃

  Posted February 3, 2013 3:40 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  Double whammy from the I-mason virus. Keep 'em coming or I might take over again... 😉

  Posted February 3, 2013 8:51 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  The 'Grust Institute for Making Money Easily' (GIMME) are providing funds for research into two outstanding questions which still remain unanswered by the science community:

  1. On Mars, does Dune follow April and May?

  2. If a yard is three feet, does a yardang have three legs?

  If you'd like to support this work, please send cash to Kitharode. Thank you.

  Posted June 17, 2013 10:26 PM

• by angi60 in response to Kitharode's comment.

  Hahaha - very funny 😮 I've heard enough about dunes the last few days!! Do I make cheques payable to GIMME then? 😛

  Posted June 17, 2013 10:56 PM

• by Kitharode moderator

  The rare martian feline (Marsus Catticus) is now extinct. After a detailed investigation it appears that Curiosity killed the cat !! 😦

  Posted June 18, 2013 3:33 PM

• by angi60 in response to Kitharode's comment.

  Nice one! 😃

  What did one spider channel say to the other?

  'I think you're sublime'.

  (Feel free to groan at this point!)

  Posted June 19, 2013 12:07 AM